The Common Enemy

In this heavily overpopulated planet you come across people from all walks of life. We are all different in one way or another. We might be fat, thin, tall or short, crazy, sane, humble or arrogant. But we all consider ourselves to be doing the best we can. If there’s a fork in the road, we eventually make a decision; if there’s an obstacle on the path, we find a way to overcome it. And if there’s alcohol around, we’ll probably drink it. Our forks, obstacles and liquor often differs to that of the next being, but together we face a mutual terror.

Every day we get up, we go to work or receive an education, we might be careful and considerate, prone to logic and reason, and be a most respected citizen in your general province. But no matter who you are, what choices you make and what life you lead, you cannot avoid it… you are going to be hassled by old people.

Now I am lucky to have a most awesome lot of grandparents who are both hilarious and ridiculous and even if they shouted at me I’d find them endearing. Even the rude, crazy one. But as far as I’m concerned, old people who arent related to me are a pack of dicks. Like, really. Take at the movies for example. My friend Zoe and I went to see Australia, which should have been called “Three long sappy movies put together to form epic epic desert tale with cute Abo Kid and a bit of sex”. Now I can’t speak for myself but Zoe is one of the nicest and most polite people on the planet. As we were approaching our allocated seats, these two old biddies saw us coming and began grunting to one another and making angry faces in our general direction. When we approached them, they did not say anything nice or acknowledge we were there, they did not move their legs out of the way, and they was faaaaaaaat. We had to squeeze through the valley of the shadow of death aka their thighs and knees, just to get to our seats beside them. And instead of being all “soz babes we will totes try to sit back a little” they just grunted summore at our inherent rudeness at trying to get past them without climbing on top of them. Of course, they were right to hate on us. We’re young and therefore distruptive and ludicrous.

Zoe and I sat silently and enjoyed the desert and the cute abo kid and the little bit of sex, while the two old women TALKED AND TALKED AND TALKED and it was really annoying stuff like ‘OH NO DONT GO THERE” and “WHAT DID HE SAY?” and “OH THAT MAN ISNT VERY NICE AT ALL” and “WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT? OH BECAUSE OF THAT MASSIVE BIT OF PLOT WE MISSED BECAUSE I WAS ASKING ALL THOSE OTHER THINGS?”. You get my point. The only positive thing I take from this is – get to the cinemas early. Snag a seat and pretend to play on your phone. No one over 50 will sit next to you! The downside is you end up with some shitty 15 year olds instead who wear fishnets and talk like its Thursday night on the back of the bus to the mall “like yeah totally fuck that shit omg make out fingered omg shit fuck I can swear with arrogance because I’m only 15 so it’s still rebellious and cool to swear”.  But thats another story.

I recently put myself into a most haphazard position with traffic. I was driving home, needed to turn, so put my blinker on. I had to cross 2 lanes of traffic to get to my turning lane, which had no one in it. So essentially I was like “sweet, just cross over this one lot, and I’ll be all set”. Then I glanced over to the green car beside me and gasped, for the driver hath grey hair and an old man hat upon his follied head. I knew then my blinker and my road rules meant nothing. He saw my youth, and he was out to get me.

I knew he wouldnt let me pass because ‘elderly’ is a synonym for ‘tosser’. Fortunately the car in front was doing the speed limit and I was able to speed up ahead of old man, as it is against the old man in the hat code to go faster than 40. I cut in front of him and then quickly into turning lane just before it ran out. No one was hurt, no threat or danger ensued.

But then the light was not green. Nor was it orange. It was red… oh so red. Red for danger.

So I copped ye olde abuse from the crazy old man for doing a perfectly legal  manouvre. Of course though I have youth and therefore also have no respect for my fellow man. And gonorrhea.
Please note, this will happen to you. My advice? Don’t talk back. Like most bights on society, we can only let them sit and wallow in the silence so that they may feel the shame of their wrongdoings. Exhibit A)

Oh yeah. There’s so much shame right here.

Thats my word of wisdom for the day. And if you dont take it, well… I dont blame you. I dont know dick about anything. Go forth and face mankinds oldest and greatest enemy: the elderly… except of course Manbearpig.

Bonneth out.