Cul-de-frack!

9 10 2010

Attention: All of Bonneth’s romantic interests… please stop being a waste of time, if you could

So, I am taking that moral low road where I blame the people I fancy instead of myself for any lack of real progress in a romantic situation. Is that so bad? Well yes, probably. So occasionally I might find my personal life has reached a prominent cul-de-sac… I never could navigate. But I’m not all to blame!

I’m not sure what really constitutes bad luck when it comes to the opposite sex but I can’t say I have ever found myself entirely lucky. Now that’s not to say I haven’t known some great guys or that I’m overly sulky in regards to singledom. But I’m quite familiar with frustrations aimed at boys, myself or just the freakin situation. That last one is the shits btw, because there’s no one to blame really. You’re just in cranky bitch limbo, where nothing goes right, and you’re trying to justify why that McFlurry with everything in it really is a good idea.

It’s easy to say you’re single because you like being single or you’re too busy etc (sometimes this is a category I fall under) and it’s also simple to say you’re single because nobody fancies you (also probably me, though this is deeply depressing). I feel I am single mostly due to circumstance. I mean firstly, Johnny Depp lives in Paris or somewhere wanky and was forced to marry his praying mantis wife at gun point, so it couldn’t really work between us.

Secondly, do you recall aforementioned bitch limbo land? I’m the mayor of that place.

Let us begin with the high school flames. They were all attractive, cute, funny, charming, and talented. And for some reason, they liked me. But things never quite worked out with that many of them. Note: “not working out” includes deciding they really wanted me a week before they became addicted to pot; having him shipped away to boarding school on the other side of the county; declaring his feelings to me, then dating one of the plastics instead of me, the humble bogan. And my personal favourite: going from bi to gay.

The best of those was the one shipped away to boarding school. He was pretty boy wonderment. And while I fancied him for quite a few years still after this, and we had a few visitations, he apparently was tainted in the new place and did some stupid things that broke all ties, and while he still exists, I like to pretend he died doing something noble.

Now, being a non teen, I no longer have raging hormones, and find myself liking no more than one or two guys a year, and they all come at once. So I’ll go from a long boring drought to monsoon season. Though these guys then turn out to be completely unsuitable in one way or another, either because they just don’t fancy me back, or we play the ‘alarm bonnie with discovery of pertinent relationship dealbreaker’ game.

Some examples of common phrases used include:

  1. Oh yes I like you too, yes I think we should definitely date! Oh look, you have a girlfriend already. YOU DIDN’T MENTION THAT.
  2. But of course I’ll change some plans for you; no really I like you lots too. So, apparently you’re moving to another country next year. YOU DIDN’T MENTION THAT.
  3. Wow, you’re so respectful of me. It’s nice to meet a guy who wants to take it slow. So I found an erotic bunny costume complete with whip under your bed. YOU DIDN’T MENTION THAT.
  4. Wow you’re so nice. I’m surprised at how sensitive you are for a big guy. Oh you want to talk about your life instead of have sex? You’re gay aren’t you? YOU DIDN’T MENTION THAT.
  5. Yeah I think that’d be a nice place to go! Where should we go next? Oh, there again? Okay I guess that’s fine. What? You want to go there again? But the movie you want to see isn’t even playing there. WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION WITH THAT PLACE?
  6. Gee, you’re kinda nice. Yeah you’re really nice! Okay now you’re too nice. Okay stop talking to me please. No you’re not invited to my party. How did you get this number? Why are you always talking to me about potatoes?

And the most common among all women:

  1. You never text me back.

Lastly, here are some predictions of future phrases:

  1. I really appreciate how mature you’re being about this; I just don’t think it’s working. Sure, we can still be friends. No, that doesn’t mean you can booty call me. Oh look, you slashed my tyres this morning.
  2. Well I understand that you think you and your girlfriend have broken up, but it doesn’t quite translate so well when I can see her in just a towel sitting on your bed. So you understand my concern? No, I will not have a threesome with you.
  3. All I’m saying is, if you hadn’t have walked in on me barfing up the Macdonald’s I scoffed at 3am while I was plastered, would I still be a little bit sexy?

And of course

     4. You never text me back.

I suspect I only have myself to blame for much of my commitment problems, however for now I use the above rant to declare my total and utter ambivalence towards the dating world. Basically there comes a point in a someones life where they can meet a decent person, who they can see all the time without interrupting eithers schedule, they can treat eachother right and make eachother laugh, and all that general shiz.  Or (she) can go right back to her ordinary life (read: stalking other boys on facebook).

My coping mechanism is to be generally nonchalant about relationships, buy pretty dresses, and ship the memories of dud menfolk off to a desert island somewhere on the outskirts of my subconscious… But I think we’re going to need a bigger boat.

Bonneth Out.

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4 responses

9 10 2010
Bertie

You know what love – Im sure you look great in your pretty dresses too – be as nonchalont as you like when it comes it comes. There are plenty of dresses until then.

10 10 2010
bonneth

So many dresses, Bertie lol
But thanks! Nice of you to comment.

11 10 2010
TPizzle

AMAZINGGGGGGGG

12 10 2010
Lammbo

I love potatoes!

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