GRAMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

18 12 2010

Yes. Grammar is spelt incorrectly. And has entirely too many exclamation points. I know. I’m annoyed too. But I have to leave it like this to make a point. That this is what some people are actually like, and we have to accept them, and not only as people whom we must coexist with, but also sometimes as equals.

Yes folks, there are some people out there who are bright, talented and friendly and yet still, this grammatical faux pas is, for them, quite commonplace. Tragic but true.

The worst part though. They know they are doing it. Why would a perfectly clever person who is pleasant and hard working intentionally spell things incorrectly, or abuse available methods of punctuation, if they know it’s wrong, and takes almost 20 times longer? It is a mystery, never fully explained, or even approached by scholars of our time. One thing’s for sure, however… These people must be stopped. Please note the following grammatical errs and allow us to deconstruct and analyse it so that we may determine a rough translation, and if we’re lucky, the root of the problem.

Are you coming to rehearsal tomorrow???????

Firstly, let it be known that this in a normal and reasonable question. Not urgent; perhaps a little prudent. But it is simply a request for information, namely, whether or not someone (the questionee) is planning to attend rehearsal the day following the question. So why the need for … (pause for counting)… seven question marks? Note: seven being six more than the required amount, which is one. Now even the swiftest of typers/texters would take approximately 2 seconds to press shift AND hold the appropriate button until they produced 7 question marks, when they could have saved themselves a whole 1.5 seconds at least. That 1.5 seconds could have been spent deciding things like what to eat, clicking on that guy you likes’ profile, or getting up to go to the loo.

If the question is not urgent – and we can only assume it is not, as it is typed, ergo on facebook or text which can produce timely responses when you could have simply just called that person to get an instant answer- we can therefore deduce that this individual suffers from something I like to call Punctuation Abuse, or rather an addiction to the overuse of punctuation and incessant tapping of the keyboard.

The more tapping the better, and if it’s a punctuation mark, it’s a great perk. It is a sneaky and somewhat socially acceptable way of expressing one’s problem without it being overly noticeable or incoherent. For example, if they had written:

Are yooooooooooou coooooooooming tooooooooooo rehearsal tooooooomoooooorrooooooow?

And hereby overusing the “O” vowel as a substitute, it would seem much more noticeable, and ridiculous. These people are cunning, and must be institutionalised as soon as possible! (Note: this point was made well enough with one exclamation mark. One. Singular.)

Now, how is this really harmful, albeit mildly annoying? Think of the amount of times these people must act such abuse out. If it’s a problem they have, they are doing it more than once. In fact, we can only assume this is being done at an average of 20 times a day. That’s 30 seconds delay time in total that they are racking up, and that is merely for the average. Let’s not get started on the heavily addicted. But for the average person, that’s 30 seconds a day. 210 seconds a week. 10, 920 seconds a year.

That’s over 3 hours a year wasted on pointless grammar abuse which, in turn, is approximately 10 days or more wasted in the average lifetime.

Conclusion: People with punctuation abuse problems will surely be more unfulfilled and are likely to die earlier. And I’ve no doubt Charles Darwin would have a whole chapter explaining his agreement with this theory in “Survival of the Fittest” were there access to facebook and texting in his time.

Another example, for your reference, is:

OMG I have no idea!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?

Clearly a bad case of punctuation mark abuse. Should someone be lazy enough to write O M G instead of Oh My God (as the case may be) then why cancel out that perfectly reasonable laziness with perfectly unreasonable punctuation? As the Punctuation Fail equivalent of Hiroshima, I can only assume that this person exploded in a haze of confusion and excitement. They probably won’t be missed.

NOW. Second on the agenda is purely horrible spelling just for the hell of it. From a grown woman of 25 who generally speaks quite normally, and excelled at her spelling throughout school, I took this sample:

welcum to december fukers!… Get out there n punch sumone

Translation: Welcome to December, fuckers! Get out there and punch someone.

And the more recently acquired:

dam goldy shenanigans! broke my heel jumpen fences :p oouuch!!

Translation: Damn Gold Coast Shenanigans! I broke my heel jumping fences. Ouch!

My first reaction was “…..what?”

Upon a second scan I thought… I can read it. And I can even understand it. Those words seem to make sense. Why then does it only seem a tragic semblance of the English language as we know it? The subject in question knows how to spell, and knows how to form proper sentences, but the meaning of the phrases is lost and despite probable intelligence and likeability, their status is now diminished to a dull husk of an appreciation. If you insist on speaking like an uneducated 14 yr old emo child at the back of the Thursday night bus, and wish to still be considered clever and respectable, you’ve got another thing coming. It’s harsh, but sorry, that’s just the way it works.

Lastly, this is a little off topic, but as far as emoticons go, when we have nought but a simple and clever creativity with our punctuation marks,there is such thing as too much.

Smiley face 🙂

Very smiley face 😀

Very very smiley face (aka laughing face) XD

Sad face 😦

Very sad face 😥

Silly face 😛

Angry face 😡

And here’s one I just made up: Party face <:) Get it? ‘Cause he’s wearing a little party hat?

Anyway.

These are simple and okay and normal.

So then. Why this? :3

I am told it is a Walrus. Why are we Walruses now? Is there an Eggman emoticon?

And today I saw this X3.

This would directly indicate that, upon laughter, the subject transforms into a Walrus… Can someone please explain this to me?

Thanks.

Bonneth out <:)

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